felix_santi
New member
Childrens' Books That Didn't Make It
This was on my mc group site, figuired I share some humor/ strange stuff due to all the talk about snow and such...
These pics came from a guy in AZ. Yes, the mule killed the mountain lion. The lion had been stalking them for the better part of the morning, on the way out to a hunt. They were pretty sure it was after one of the dogs.
http://www.tombstonetumbleweed.com/This_Week/BadAssKillsCougar/badasskillscougar.HTM
Someone get this cat to AA:
http://www.averagjoe.com/0423c
__________
Exploding Toads-its true
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tm...50423/od_afp/germanytoadsoffbeat_050423161657
___________
Business signs:
Veterinarian's office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for Customers Only, others will be neutered."
In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, we can help pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
________
Dear Abby:
I need to cancel my appointment at the sperm bank. What should I say?
--Polite in Pittsburgh
```````````````````
Dear Polite in Pittsburgh:
Just call and tell them you can't come.
___________-
Butt prints
http://www.allthefun.com/1/flashbuttprints.htm
__________
no joke
If lost in the woods just build a fire with a can of soda and a chocolate bar:
http://www.trackertrail.com/survival/fire/cokeandchocolatebar/
_____________
try your aim:
http://www.7fire.com/flash/gunplay.swf ;
____________
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.
AAA is not an option. I will win.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the
other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of
Holy Communion.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to
bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't a problem.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I
know, these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers
mainly. _____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or
sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so
don't ask.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....
and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
_____________________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better
understand the Male.
A woman was distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
>>>or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid that she might have
>>>something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise
>>>with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
>>>
>>>On entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all
>>>your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw
>>>reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as
>>>she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery
>>>fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.
>>>
>>>"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I
>>>ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked
>>>anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr
>>>Chang sighed deeply and replied...
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your
>>>arse."
______________-
A woman was unable to conceive, so she went to her doctor. The doctor told her about the latest medical discovery, and told her to swallow three ball bearings. The very next day, the woman got pregnant. Not only was she preggers, but she was expecting triplets!
Nine months later, she had two daughters and a son - one for each ball bearing.
Twelve years after that, the first daughter came running up to her and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The mother thought that her daughter had started menstruating, so she replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." A week after that, the second daughter came running up to her mother and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The mother thought that her second daughter was also becoming a woman, so she replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." A week after that, the only son came running up to his mother and said, "Hey mom ..." The mother interrupted, and said, "Don't tell me... You were going to the bathroom, and a little ball bearing fell out?"
"No, I was upstairs playing with myself and I shot the cat!"
Three ducks walk into a bar. . .
Three ducks walk into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" asked the bartender to the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
________________
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The
doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says
Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her,
she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of
the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws
her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi
Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious! , grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every 4 letter word in the book
The cabbie says "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
___________
Police arrested two kids yesterday,one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
___________
Jacko's stuck in his hotel before his trial. He sends his bodyguard out to get a DVD.
Shall I get .." Aladdin" ? says the bodyguard.
BUGGER OFF ! Says Jacko. Don't you think I'm in enough trouble!!!
___________
How it is when you work for the Government!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third
man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,
"Tsquare, do your stuff."
Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
"What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said,
"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on
the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back
while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put
in for
Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick
leave.
The penis study ........ In 1993, the American Government funded a study
to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft..... After
one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.....
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, the concluded that the
reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Newfoundland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer,
they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
him in the forehead.
Morbid???
>
> It's pretty morbid, but it almost looks fake. A police
> officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of
> heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at
> the URL.
>
> It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper
> taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his
> insides now on the outside. You will see the look of
> horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of
> the bystanders is why I believe this is real.
>
http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
Oxford Dictionary's latest definitions of the
following words:
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information
from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of
the students without passing through "the minds
of either"
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied
by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such
a way that everybody believes he got the biggest
piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine
will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary : A place where success comes before
work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not
read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things
straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your
strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get
to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you
know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing
individually and sit to decide that nothing can
be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during
life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell
in such a way that you actually look forward to
the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath
if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel
tower says in midway "See I am not injured
yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can
die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....
except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late
and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before
after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you with his bills.
_______________
new product
http://home.earthlink.net/~markleys/Movies/CrackSpackle.wmv
______________
~~~~THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~~~
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
~~~~THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~~~
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
~~THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~
"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"
"Nope, no more booze for me"
"Sorry, but you're not really my type"
"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"
"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."
_____________
Q: What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?
A: Bo Derek getting older...
______________
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After about fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Enjoy 8)
This was on my mc group site, figuired I share some humor/ strange stuff due to all the talk about snow and such...
These pics came from a guy in AZ. Yes, the mule killed the mountain lion. The lion had been stalking them for the better part of the morning, on the way out to a hunt. They were pretty sure it was after one of the dogs.
http://www.tombstonetumbleweed.com/This_Week/BadAssKillsCougar/badasskillscougar.HTM
Someone get this cat to AA:
http://www.averagjoe.com/0423c
__________
Exploding Toads-its true
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tm...50423/od_afp/germanytoadsoffbeat_050423161657
___________
Business signs:
Veterinarian's office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for Customers Only, others will be neutered."
In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, we can help pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
________
Dear Abby:
I need to cancel my appointment at the sperm bank. What should I say?
--Polite in Pittsburgh
```````````````````
Dear Polite in Pittsburgh:
Just call and tell them you can't come.
___________-
Butt prints
http://www.allthefun.com/1/flashbuttprints.htm
__________
no joke
If lost in the woods just build a fire with a can of soda and a chocolate bar:
http://www.trackertrail.com/survival/fire/cokeandchocolatebar/
_____________
try your aim:
http://www.7fire.com/flash/gunplay.swf ;
____________
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.
AAA is not an option. I will win.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the
other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of
Holy Communion.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to
bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't a problem.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I
know, these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers
mainly. _____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or
sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so
don't ask.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....
and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
_____________________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better
understand the Male.
A woman was distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
>>>or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid that she might have
>>>something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise
>>>with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
>>>
>>>On entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all
>>>your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw
>>>reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as
>>>she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery
>>>fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.
>>>
>>>"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I
>>>ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked
>>>anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr
>>>Chang sighed deeply and replied...
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your
>>>arse."
______________-
A woman was unable to conceive, so she went to her doctor. The doctor told her about the latest medical discovery, and told her to swallow three ball bearings. The very next day, the woman got pregnant. Not only was she preggers, but she was expecting triplets!
Nine months later, she had two daughters and a son - one for each ball bearing.
Twelve years after that, the first daughter came running up to her and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The mother thought that her daughter had started menstruating, so she replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." A week after that, the second daughter came running up to her mother and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The mother thought that her second daughter was also becoming a woman, so she replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." A week after that, the only son came running up to his mother and said, "Hey mom ..." The mother interrupted, and said, "Don't tell me... You were going to the bathroom, and a little ball bearing fell out?"
"No, I was upstairs playing with myself and I shot the cat!"
Three ducks walk into a bar. . .
Three ducks walk into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" asked the bartender to the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
________________
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The
doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says
Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her,
she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of
the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws
her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi
Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious! , grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every 4 letter word in the book
The cabbie says "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
___________
Police arrested two kids yesterday,one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
___________
Jacko's stuck in his hotel before his trial. He sends his bodyguard out to get a DVD.
Shall I get .." Aladdin" ? says the bodyguard.
BUGGER OFF ! Says Jacko. Don't you think I'm in enough trouble!!!
___________
How it is when you work for the Government!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third
man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,
"Tsquare, do your stuff."
Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
"What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said,
"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on
the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back
while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put
in for
Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick
leave.
The penis study ........ In 1993, the American Government funded a study
to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft..... After
one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.....
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, the concluded that the
reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Newfoundland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer,
they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
him in the forehead.
Morbid???
>
> It's pretty morbid, but it almost looks fake. A police
> officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of
> heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at
> the URL.
>
> It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper
> taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his
> insides now on the outside. You will see the look of
> horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of
> the bystanders is why I believe this is real.
>
http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
Oxford Dictionary's latest definitions of the
following words:
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information
from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of
the students without passing through "the minds
of either"
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied
by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such
a way that everybody believes he got the biggest
piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine
will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary : A place where success comes before
work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not
read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things
straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your
strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get
to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you
know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing
individually and sit to decide that nothing can
be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during
life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell
in such a way that you actually look forward to
the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath
if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel
tower says in midway "See I am not injured
yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can
die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....
except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late
and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before
after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you with his bills.
_______________
new product
http://home.earthlink.net/~markleys/Movies/CrackSpackle.wmv
______________
~~~~THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~~~
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
~~~~THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~~~
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
~~THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~
"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"
"Nope, no more booze for me"
"Sorry, but you're not really my type"
"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"
"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."
_____________
Q: What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?
A: Bo Derek getting older...
______________
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After about fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Enjoy 8)
