felix_santi
New member
D35 c-clip Detroit EZ-locker
Just finished running some trails in Las Cruces, NM, and feel great. So, here is some more humor to pass on:
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this really bad flatulence problem, but they don't stink and don't make a sound."
The doctor says "O.K., take two of these pills every day for two weeks and come back."
A week later the lady comes back really mad and says, "Now, not only do I fart a lot, but they stink really bad!"
The doctor then said, "Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let's work on your hearing!"
Little Johnny:
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."
She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."
Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."
"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.
My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny., "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.
May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child., "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Little Johnny sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right, dear. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move., "Little Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed Little Johnny said, "can I kill it?"
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale., "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny
Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
"So what about my mother?" asked Little Suzy. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.
"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.
"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
"See!" yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, "I told you YOU didn't have anything to worry about!"
Little Johnny was in class and collecting yet another bet from his class mates. The teacher saw what was going on and told little Johnny he shouldn't take everyones money and that she bet he would feel bad if someone took all his money. Johnny piped up and said its a bet teacher. Perplexed as she didn't initially intend to bet with Johnny the teacher desided to teach him a lesson. OK Little Johnny what should we bet. Little Johnny replied, I bet you $5 that you have on pink panties today. Shocked then, elated the teacher knew she had him because she was wearing "red panties". Realizing she couldn't lift her dress in front of the class to win the bet, she desided to reach under her skirt and pull her panties off. Tossing her panties on her desk the teacher thrumphantly proclaimed, you loose little Johnny ! I had on red panties today! Little Johnny was quiet for a moment then got up from his desk and walked up to the teachers desk and said your right teacher these are red panties as he placed the $5 bucks on her desk he momentarily gave her a shy smile.
Happy that she'd taught Little Johnny a valuable lesson she called his father between classes to share the news. As the teacher explained what happened Little Johnny's father interupted right after the point in her story where she proudly tossed her panties on her desk, having one the bet, Damn! he said, that little s**t bet me $50 this morning that he would have you out of your panties before the day was over.......
One day. little Johnny heard some strange noises coming from his parent's bedroom, so he walked in to see what was going on. To his surprise, he found his father on top of his mother., "Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Umm... I'm playing poker, Johnny."
"Then, what's Mommy doing, Daddy?"
"Umm... she's my wild card, Johnny."
Johnny appeared to be satisfied with the answers and walked away.
The next day, little Johnny spent the entire morning in the bathroom. His father started to get worried, so he knocked on the bathroom door., "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"
There was no answer, so his father opened the door only to find little Johnny in playing with himself., "Johnny, what the hell are you doing!"
"I'm playing poker, Daddy."
"Oh, really... well, where's your wild card?"
Johnny grinned and replied, "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card!"
Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven.
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."
Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
Little Johnny and Billy were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
Little Johnny said, "My father is better than your father."
Billy said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
Little Johnny paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner and finds little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants. Little Johnny is saying to himself, "I hate these f**king ants... I hate these f**king ants."
The priest is taken back by Little Johnny's language and talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk., "Tomorrow I will be coming by again, and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then you may continue killing the ants."
The next afternoon, the priest is out for his walk and comes upon Little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest reminds Little Johnny of the agreement they had made.
Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun, and the third is these f**king ants!
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Little Johnny's hand shoots up., "Not correct, ma'am!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, ma'am, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. When the neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say 'f**k' the dog ate him!"
Little Johnny's mother was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes in her gown. Little Johnny came in, raised her gown and looked under it, and she wasn't wearing any panties.
Little Johnny asked his mother, "What's that?"
She replied, "That's my beaver."
Little Johnny took another look and said, "Mom that must be one mean Son of a Bitch."
"What makes you say that?" his Mother replied.
"Because he has s**t in one eye and blood in the other!" replied Little Johnny.
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat."
Little Johnny got home late from school one day and his Mom asked him where he'd been,
"I've been on that oil rig watchin' the roughnecks work and that's what I wanna be when I grow up!"
"Oh is that so Johnny, well did you learn anything?" his mother asked...
"I sure did Mom, tell me to do something" says Johnny..
"Ok" she says..."go upstairs and clean your room".
Little Johnny smiled and said..."f**k it let the night crew get it!"
Little Johnny and Suzie were playing on the porch, when the little girl asked, "Hey, do you wanna get undressed and play Doctor?"
Little Johnny replied, "That's too old fashioned... spit out your gum and let's play President!"
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school as a gift for his teacher.
When he handed it to her, the teacher started guessing what was inside., "Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A cake?"
Again, little Johnny shook his head, "Nope."
Then, the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. So, she caught a few drops on her finger, then tasted it and remarked, "Dill pickles?"
"Nope," replied little Johnny, "it's a puppy."
Little Johnny and his Grandmother were sitting on the front porch when Johnny noticed 2 dogs doing it across the street.
"Grandma, what are those dogs doing?" he asked.
"Well Johnny you see the one on back is tired and the other one is just helping him out." she said not wanting to tell him the truth at his age.
"You know Grandma, dogs are just like humans huh... he said
"Why what do you mean by that Johnny?" asked Grandma...
"Well Grandma you try your best to help someone out and they f*** you in the a**!"
Ok, time to wash the dirt off the TJ....
Just finished running some trails in Las Cruces, NM, and feel great. So, here is some more humor to pass on:
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this really bad flatulence problem, but they don't stink and don't make a sound."
The doctor says "O.K., take two of these pills every day for two weeks and come back."
A week later the lady comes back really mad and says, "Now, not only do I fart a lot, but they stink really bad!"
The doctor then said, "Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let's work on your hearing!"
Little Johnny:
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."
She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."
Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."
"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.
My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny., "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.
May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child., "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Little Johnny sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right, dear. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move., "Little Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed Little Johnny said, "can I kill it?"
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale., "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny
Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
"So what about my mother?" asked Little Suzy. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.
"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.
"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
"See!" yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, "I told you YOU didn't have anything to worry about!"
Little Johnny was in class and collecting yet another bet from his class mates. The teacher saw what was going on and told little Johnny he shouldn't take everyones money and that she bet he would feel bad if someone took all his money. Johnny piped up and said its a bet teacher. Perplexed as she didn't initially intend to bet with Johnny the teacher desided to teach him a lesson. OK Little Johnny what should we bet. Little Johnny replied, I bet you $5 that you have on pink panties today. Shocked then, elated the teacher knew she had him because she was wearing "red panties". Realizing she couldn't lift her dress in front of the class to win the bet, she desided to reach under her skirt and pull her panties off. Tossing her panties on her desk the teacher thrumphantly proclaimed, you loose little Johnny ! I had on red panties today! Little Johnny was quiet for a moment then got up from his desk and walked up to the teachers desk and said your right teacher these are red panties as he placed the $5 bucks on her desk he momentarily gave her a shy smile.
Happy that she'd taught Little Johnny a valuable lesson she called his father between classes to share the news. As the teacher explained what happened Little Johnny's father interupted right after the point in her story where she proudly tossed her panties on her desk, having one the bet, Damn! he said, that little s**t bet me $50 this morning that he would have you out of your panties before the day was over.......
One day. little Johnny heard some strange noises coming from his parent's bedroom, so he walked in to see what was going on. To his surprise, he found his father on top of his mother., "Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Umm... I'm playing poker, Johnny."
"Then, what's Mommy doing, Daddy?"
"Umm... she's my wild card, Johnny."
Johnny appeared to be satisfied with the answers and walked away.
The next day, little Johnny spent the entire morning in the bathroom. His father started to get worried, so he knocked on the bathroom door., "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"
There was no answer, so his father opened the door only to find little Johnny in playing with himself., "Johnny, what the hell are you doing!"
"I'm playing poker, Daddy."
"Oh, really... well, where's your wild card?"
Johnny grinned and replied, "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card!"
Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven.
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."
Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
Little Johnny and Billy were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
Little Johnny said, "My father is better than your father."
Billy said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
Little Johnny paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner and finds little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants. Little Johnny is saying to himself, "I hate these f**king ants... I hate these f**king ants."
The priest is taken back by Little Johnny's language and talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk., "Tomorrow I will be coming by again, and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then you may continue killing the ants."
The next afternoon, the priest is out for his walk and comes upon Little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest reminds Little Johnny of the agreement they had made.
Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun, and the third is these f**king ants!
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Little Johnny's hand shoots up., "Not correct, ma'am!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, ma'am, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. When the neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say 'f**k' the dog ate him!"
Little Johnny's mother was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes in her gown. Little Johnny came in, raised her gown and looked under it, and she wasn't wearing any panties.
Little Johnny asked his mother, "What's that?"
She replied, "That's my beaver."
Little Johnny took another look and said, "Mom that must be one mean Son of a Bitch."
"What makes you say that?" his Mother replied.
"Because he has s**t in one eye and blood in the other!" replied Little Johnny.
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat."
Little Johnny got home late from school one day and his Mom asked him where he'd been,
"I've been on that oil rig watchin' the roughnecks work and that's what I wanna be when I grow up!"
"Oh is that so Johnny, well did you learn anything?" his mother asked...
"I sure did Mom, tell me to do something" says Johnny..
"Ok" she says..."go upstairs and clean your room".
Little Johnny smiled and said..."f**k it let the night crew get it!"
Little Johnny and Suzie were playing on the porch, when the little girl asked, "Hey, do you wanna get undressed and play Doctor?"
Little Johnny replied, "That's too old fashioned... spit out your gum and let's play President!"
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school as a gift for his teacher.
When he handed it to her, the teacher started guessing what was inside., "Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A cake?"
Again, little Johnny shook his head, "Nope."
Then, the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. So, she caught a few drops on her finger, then tasted it and remarked, "Dill pickles?"
"Nope," replied little Johnny, "it's a puppy."
Little Johnny and his Grandmother were sitting on the front porch when Johnny noticed 2 dogs doing it across the street.
"Grandma, what are those dogs doing?" he asked.
"Well Johnny you see the one on back is tired and the other one is just helping him out." she said not wanting to tell him the truth at his age.
"You know Grandma, dogs are just like humans huh... he said
"Why what do you mean by that Johnny?" asked Grandma...
"Well Grandma you try your best to help someone out and they f*** you in the a**!"
Ok, time to wash the dirt off the TJ....
