man, i am bummed out

[superj]

any of you guys hear about that guy who killed his three kids and brother in wyoming this past summer? he also tried to kill his wife? they were at their house and he came out of the bedroom and started shooting? his name was everett conant and they lived in wheatland, a bit north of cheyanne.

he and i grew up together and played together since we were in diapers. he lived across the street from my grandparents, in corona ca, and no matter all the places my family moved, when ever we moved back home (socal) his family and mine would always get back together and do stuff together until we happened to move again and then when we moved back, we all got together again. all the way until i was in 10th grade, we hung out and his dad took us places and we looked at girls and did all the stuff guys did.

once we left socal in 92, i hadn't spoken to him. my mom always talked to his mom and she would let me know how they were, and i know his mom did the same with him. i had always planned on heading out and seeing him and his kids but you know how life is, you get busy or you just never get around to it because its not a high priority thing because you figure those guys will always be there.

i should've went and saw him. i don't know what happened but now i won't ever get to meet his kids and i won't ever get to hang out with his little brother and him again. i wonder if he would've had someone who asked how he was and what was bothering him, if it would've helped? someone that wasn't with him everyday, but knew him his whole life.

man, i am bummed. every time i think about it, it makes me cry because his little brother was a little mentally handicapped but was a huge guy. he was big huge teddy bear. butch (everett went by butch his whole life) was a big ol nice guy too. nacuma, his brother, always went every where we went. i don;t think he knew why, just we went and he wanted to go to. he always sat sucking his right thumb and would always give you a big hug when he saw you.

i am so sad. i'll probably write more later.

 

[bugleboy]

i wish there was something to say to help you feel better, or something i could do to make it go away, but the sad part is there is nothing anybody can do about it now, im sorry you feel this way. me and the other people of the forum are here for you if you ever need someone to lend an ear

 

[superj]

i know nothing can be done. it just makes me sad because i read all the news reports and everything and it all sounds like he was just depressed.

i probably read 100 different web pages on what happened. they are all just repeats of one another, except two or three had one little fact missed in the others. one said he had tried to commit suicide by taking all his kids pills about a year earlier. another said he never talked to anyone and was a loner. all the pages said he quit his job citing child care issues but also noted that his brother would watch his kids for him. his kids were 18, 13, and 11 years old and went to school. all those missed little facts point to depression and signs of suicidal thoughts and intentions.

how come no one ever offered help? the church pastor spoke highly of his family, like they went regularly. he should have been trained in suicide recognition and what to do.

it just kills me, knowing butch for all our lives and then this to happen. my mom said scherry, his mom, said that all her boys are gone, which is true. butch is in jail, nacuma is dead, and all the kids are dead. not only are they all gone, its also the end of their line in the family now. no more of their family will continue with that last name. his older sister, old enough that i don't remember her, has a daughter. thats it.

its been a hard day at work, trying to think about work but thinking about butch.

 

[Poop3000]

jason, what you are feeling is normal, human, and good. to an extent.

although bugleboy had something nice to say and there's truth in it, i'm gonna take a slightly different angle.

i've lost friends before and wondered the same things you have. i think about the things i woulda, shoulda, coulda done if i had known. maybe if i'd paid better attention, or been more patient. but the fact is, you were already doing the best that you could do. nobody can go through life wondering if that downturned look by the checkout girl is a sign of impending suicide, or if an old friend from childhood whose hard luck story you remembered the other day suddenly needs your help or else. you can't live your life as your creator would have you live it if you're so paranoid at every little sign.

that said, going about your life without captive concern for the welfare of an old friend and the safety of his family is not unduly selfish; it's called living life. you are human, not superhuman.

if you are being really hard on yourself, you might feel selfish, like you didn't extend a helping hand when somebody needed it, that maybe you don't care enough. there are some real pieces of shit out there that don't give a flip about their fellow man. but stop and think if that sounds like you or not: here you are, wondering if there was anything you could have done, knowing full well that you'd have done it to save his family and him. that's not the thought pattern of a selfish prick; that's the sign of a good man, with a good heart.

jason, as far as what could have been done then, you did what you could with the knowledge you had. if your friend had told you what was going on, or if he had told his pastor, or if he had a forum like this where he could log on and tell people what was going on and that he needed help, he would have gotten some help. it's OUR job to let people know when we need help. your friend suffers from a sickness serious enough to delete one of the most fundamental functions of a parent--to protect his children at all costs--which means you could not have saved him yourself. you might have helped him to get help, but again, he would have had to want it himself. and you can't know he needs it if he doesn't let you know... and it sounds like he didn't let anyone know.

so nothing more really could have realistically been done about it then. how were you to know? and as far as now, nothing will bring back those children... but it is healthy to stop and ask ourselves the same questions you are. what could i have done? what signs were missed? all in the name of learning something from this, and moving on.

and moving on is the most necessary part of the whole conversation. because no matter what is concluded, what is learned or not learned, what is mourned or what is celebrated, life goes on, and jason has work on this good earth to do.

i'm so very, very sorry about your friend, and about the feelings this event has stirred inside you. but be sure when this mourning is all said and done, that jason cuts himself a break and remembers that what happened is not a shortcoming on your part, not a failure of your love as a friend, not a blemish on your heart. i'm sure, and everyone here knows too, that you would have done whatever you could have to fix it, if you'd had any reasonable knowledge what was to happen. and if it slipped his own family and pastor, how on earth could you hold it against yourself?

thanks for sharing your thoughts, though. makes this place a bit more human.

 

[TerryMason]

That's horrible man. Now that I've got a kid of my own I couldn't imagine anything happening to him, let alone doing it myself.

I don't know anything about his situation, but my guess is this is more than just depression.

 

[superj]

I am glad I am on this site. You guys are why this is my favorite jeep forum

 

[clydethepirate]

Jason,
People do things that we don't understand, be it depression, Schizophernia, Bipolar disorder (Not split personality), Borderline personality disorder, to Brief Phychotic disorder.
Obviously there was something going on for a guy to do what he did.

Don't worry about the news articles.
I had a situation during my divorce that was very public, on the news, in the newspapers, and most of it was not true.
I had people telling ME what happened like I wasnt there.
Your right, there will be all kinds of false reports but the fact is we don't really know why he done it.

I know the helplessness you feel, I wish I could say something that would make it better or take it away.

Just know, I am praying for you, and him, and I'm here if you need to talk.

 

[superj]

i have not been able to find out where he is at. i am going to see if his mom will tell me so i can write him and let him know that i am still his friend and he has someone to talk to. i imagine he will need it because he has some hard times ahead of him. especially, if they don't give him the death penalty because he will have to live with knowing what he did.

 

[bugleboy]

i have not been able to find out where he is at. i am going to see if his mom will tell me so i can write him and let him know that i am still his friend and he has someone to talk to. i imagine he will need it because he has some hard times ahead of him. especially, if they don't give him the death penalty because he will have to live with knowing what he did.

you are such a good person, you have strong values

 

[ScubaDude]

I am sorry to here the news. Unfortunately I have no real advice here since I lack life experience but I respect your decisions. You never know what could have been going through his head and knowing there's still someone there, someone who will listen... That's all he can ask for in a friend. I agree with the others, do not let yourself ever think that you should have seen this coming.

The best of luck

 

[superj]

i don;t think a lot of people have experience in this type of situation. i think its more of how you handle what you learn when this type of thing pops up.

i have had to deal with friends committing suicide so i know all the things people should have seen or looked for but its like poop3000 and clydethepirate said, the person has to also want help for people to be able to offer help. sometimes they hide it on purpose so no one can help them.

 

[flatie46]

Sorry to hear of this, I'm at a loss of words. Prayers go out to all.

 

[jeepingdan]

That is a crazy story. Sorry to hear about this tragic loss bro my prayers go out to them.